The Baltic Chainsaw of Freedom
by slovakia-chan
Summary: Don't mess with the Baltics. Warning: plain silly and trashy. Contains some references to Fight Club. Btw so sorry to make Russia suffer... I kinda like him.


Poor Lithuania.

His whole life was basically one big mess, but he always just got on with it, feeling like any resistance would be futile. Still, there were days when it all seemed too much to handle. Like _that_ day.

It had been weeks since he hadn't had a moment of rest. Russia kept looming over him to the point of the brunet losing his sleep, the malevolent lilac aura filling even his dreams. And then there was Belarus – he loved her with all he had, yet all she did was hurt him. Worst of all, she only had eyes for Ivan whom he hated so much. How was that fair?!

Everything was going the wrong way. He even started to feel fed up with the rest of the house – Ukraine always running around, panicked, Estonia with his smartass attitude and Latvia getting into trouble whenever he opened his mouth. _I'm not their mom, dammit,_ Lithy thought.

He gave too much while getting so little in return.

 _I need a day out of this house. Otherwise, I'll go nuts._

The Baltic walked out of Russia's manor, slowly picking up pace until he actually started to run. Lithy ran, ran, ran, not quite sure where to, but he didn't mind. He knew where he was running _from_ and the rest didn't matter.

After a moment, he got breathless and collapsed on someone's front porch.

"Where did I go wrong?" he moaned in despair. "When did my life turned into such a disaster?"

Noticing something from the corner of his eye, he turned to look left. Netherlands was sitting by his side, his features portraying no expression at all. He shrugged and handed Toris a joint.

"Thank you, I don't do drugs," Lithy mumbled, sitting up and hugging his knees. "It's just… All I want is to relax and enjoy my coffee once in a while. To have a moment of peace."

"The first one's for free," the blond replied. For a little while, Toris studied his face, then what he held.

 _After all, why not._

"I guess there's a first time for everything." He shrugged and accepted the gift.

* * *

"Do you think there's life underground?" Lithy asked as he lied naked on the grass, a blissful smile lighting up his face.

Netherlands, who had woven dandelions into his hair and was now dancing around, singing 'I'm the goddess of spring', stopped and blinked.

"Of course. Who else would paint radishes red?"

They burst out laughing. They laughed and laughed and laughed.

Toris closed his eyes. His uniform was in a better place now, he hadn't done his chores and Russia's house could have been on fire for all he cared. For the first time in his life, he just didn't give a fuck. And it felt good.

* * *

"What is so important that you gathered us here at such short notice?" growled Eduard.

"Estonia, this is our room, we're here together pretty much all the time. So stop talking as if you had a life." Toris rolled his eyes.

"Anyway." He took a deep breath. "I made an important discovery today. I finally understand the origin of all our problems."

Latvia snorted. "That's an easy one. Russia."

"Yeah, that's pretty much the essence, but the fault is ours, too. The thing is, we care too much."

Silence.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" other two asked in unison.

"We worry too much and that makes us weak," Lithy explained as if it was the clearest thing ever. Raivis raised his eyebrows, Ed frowned.

"Let's suppose you're right. What would be the solution?" the bigger Baltic asked.

"It's very easy! We should stop giving a fuck."

They both stared at him, dumbfounded.

"Toris, are you high?" Raivis asked, getting concerned.

"No, I mean, not anymore… Whatever. So, are you with me or not?"

The two boys looked at each other.

"I don't know, it sounds kinda... risky."

"But you go ahead." Latvia half-smiled.

"Guys, I do realize there are a few drawbacks-"

"It's more like the whole concept seems a bit… from the universe of a stoner. But it looks like it's making you happy, so go for it." The Estonian patted Lithy's shoulder, smiling at him the way one smiles at a harmless crazy person.

"I will," Toris said, smug and determined. "There's... just one thing holding me back now. Maybe you two can help. Russia's bigger than me - how do I deal with him?"

The three of them remained silent for a while.

"Weapons. Violence. Brute force," Raivis breathed. The brunet's eyes widened a bit. He didn't even suspect the smaller nation knew such words.

"Yeah, that's pretty much how things get done in this world." Eduard nodded.

Lithy gave it a thought.

"Seems legit. But where does one get them?"

Ed shrugged. "If we knew, wouldn't we be independent right now?" A tiny gleam of melancholy appeared in his eyes. On the contrary, the smaller Baltic looked like he was going through some kind of inner conflict, until, finally, he made a decision.

"I would often accompany Russia for that purpose," he said, glancing around the room to make sure it was just the three of them. He searched his pockets until he found a red and white business card. "This is the guy you want," he whispered, handing it to his friend.

* * *

Lithy checked the card once again. _This must be it._ He took a deep breath and knocked. The door opened just enough to reveal a pair of suspicious emerald eyes.

"What do you want?" their owner growled. "We don't take asylum seekers."

"Errr…" Toris's breath got stuck in his throat for a while. "I'm known as Lithuania. You're Switzerland, aren't you? I heard you sell weapons. I'm interested."

The door opened wide and he got pulled inside. A split second after, the entrance was slammed shut again. He realized a familiar, rather angry blond was forcing him against the wall and searching him. Once he made sure the visitor was harmless, he relaxed a bit.

"You can't just say these things out loud, idiot," he scolded him.

"Oh, my apologies." Toris rubbed the back of his head, half-smiling. "I'm new in this field."

"Anyway, sorry but I can't help. I kind of ran out of the stock this morning."

"R-really?" Lithy gasped, disappointment written all over his face.

" _Ja._ " the blond looked away. "America has just been here; he bought everything. I mean, really everything, down to the last bullet," Vash whispered dreamily. "Anyway, I can let you my chainsaw if you want."

"Thank you, but that's not really what I was looking for," Toris sighed, getting ready to leave.

"You wanted a weapon, didn't you?"

"That's right. Not forest industry equipment. Anyway, thank you for your t-AAAH!" Lithy's eyes widened as Switzerland suddenly pointed a gun at him. Hands in the air, his heart thumped against his ribcage, sweat popping out of his skin.

"Bang!" the blond yelled. The Baltic covered his face in a desperate attempt to avoid getting nastily wounded. It took him a few seconds to realize he hadn't got shot and that the other man was laughing his head off.

"Why would you do that?!" he shouted. "That was just mean!"

"You see." He smiled, putting the gun behind his belt again. "Weapons are more like symbols. There are no bullets in most of mine. Even if there were, they are expensive, I would not waste money on someone like you. Still, the second I pointed my gun at you, you were sure the end was near. _I_ made you believe it. Not the weapon."

Lithy remained silent for a while, letting the words of wisdom sink in.

"How much for the chainsaw?"

* * *

Russia woke up. He still felt the taste of the tea he had earlier on his tongue. A taste a bit different than usual, he now noticed.

He tried to stand up, but quickly realized he couldn't. For some reason, he was tied to a tree.

The next thing he noticed were the clothes he had on. They belonged to his little sister.

Afterwards, his eyes fell on the smaller country in front of him. Lithy was standing there, grinning from ear to ear. Everything about him seemed different. New. Especially the chainsaw he was holding.

(Just for the record: Toris _really_ enjoyed running around naked in Netherland's house. He was rather reluctant to get dressed again, but didn't want to traumatize young ladies, either. In the end, he put on some old baggy jeans and decided it would do. The time when he was trying to hide his scars at any cost was over. _They are a part of me. I never asked to have them, but they made me who I am. Deal with it, world.)_

Anyway, in the meantime it got quite cold so he put Russia's coat and leather gloves on.

"Hey, Ivan," the brunet said.

The Russian's gaze was continuously moving from his clothes to his subordinate's. And to the chainsaw, of course. Despite all that, he knew better than to show his concerns.

"What seems to be the problem, Lithuania?" He smiled innocently.

"Decades of torture, abuse and violence, maybe?" Toris reverted in a cynical tone. "Though, through it all, the worst thing you've ever done to me was to make me wear women's clothes. I'm a man, for crying out loud!"

The enraged Baltic was now only a few millimeters from Russia's face. The latter tried to move back, but the tree was blocking him.

"Anyway, now, the tables have turned. Enjoy being me for a bit, asshole."

 _Another crazy ex of mine,_ Ivan mentally rolled his eyes.

"But I can't be who _you_ are," Lithy went on. "I'm too kind for my own good. So say you're sorry and I'll let you go."

His prisoner sighed.

"Toris, if this is about being the top guy, we can surely—"

"Shut up!" The Lithuanian yelled. "I don't like men. Never have. You forced me. But... It might be my chainsaw would like to feel you from the inside." A creepy, toothy smile stretched on his face as he revved up the newly acquired accessory.

It all felt so surreal to Russia; he was powerless and dressed like a chick while Lithy threatened him. Wasn't it usually the other way around?! _It's nothing but a strange dream and I'll wake up any minute now,_ he kept on repeating to himself. Until the warm air from the chainsaw brushed against his face just like Toris's breath earlier. His eyes widened and he started to pull frenetically on the ropes, conscious it was too late to settle the argument amicably.

"I'm sorry!" he shouted over the revving, exasperated.

"WHAT? I DID NOT HEAR YOU!" Toris yelled teasingly back.

Ivan closed his eyes, then opened them again.

"I'M SORRY!"

"FOR WHAT?" his subordinate urged.

"FOR EVERYTHING!" Russia admitted.

"WELL, TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!"

 _Shit_ , was all the Russian could think of. He closed his purple eyes, abandoning all hope.

Toris laughed heartily and cut the ropes. Seconds later, his trembling superior realized the noise had faded away _and_ he was still alive. His eyes opened again.

"Ivan, I'm the guy who cooks your meals. Who takes care of you when you're sick. Who knows all your darkest secrets. Keep that in mind. And don't EVER fuck with me again! Now run before I change my mind."

And Russia ran.

* * *

Toris cleaned the chainsaw and returned it to its owner, finding himself unable to thank the Swiss enough. _Now I'll just go pick up my stuff and I'm out of that damn house,_ he thought.

"Lit-hu-a-ni-a!" Russia sang as he opened the door, lead pipe raised in mid-air, ready to move against the Baltic's head.

 _Shit,_ was all that Toris could think of.

His body got ready to be flooded with pain beyond words, when suddenly… Nothing at all. The blow was harmless, followed by an almost imperceptible _crack_. The pieces of lead pipe came falling down as if it was nothing more than a candy stick. _A miracle,_ Lithy marveled.

The brunet's eyes widened as he noticed Estonia emerging behind their superior, holding – was that even possible? – the same lead pipe. Except that when it hit Russia's head a second later, the _crack_ was much louder and coming from the victim's head rather than the weapon. The tall Slav rolled his eyes and collapsed on the ground.

"Hi, Toris." Ed smiled.

The said man stood motionless, his brain trying to process what had just happened. He only emerged from the trance when Latvia joined them.

"What you said the other day made us think. We decided that it wasn't such a bad idea after all," Estonia admitted with the smaller boy nodding in approval. He noticed that Lithy was still observing the other lead pipe.

"I made a copy from papier-mâché." Raivis winked. "And they dare say that arts and crafts classes don't count as a part of military training!"

* * *

"So what do we do with him?" Lithy asked as they got Russia down to the cellar. None of them had actually thought that far into the future.

"How about we hit him some more… You know, just to make sure he doesn't wake up too soon," Ed suggested with a sheepish smile.

"Alright," two male voices replied.

They took turns while the room filled with loud _dong_ sounds.

Feeling an unfamiliar gaze on his back, Estonia turned around. Ukraine was standing in the doorway, eyes open wide, hand raised to her mouth. The Baltics instantly stopped their frenzy, realizing they had just got busted.

"Errr… Mind if I join in?" Katya ventured.

"Of course not, the more, the merrier!" Eduard grinned, handing the lead pipe to the beaming girl.

Things got much merrier indeed. The noise was so intense that even Belarus started to worry, getting down to the cellar to see what was happening.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO BROTHER?!" The Baltics and Ukraine turned around to see Natalia wild with rage, getting her blades ready. For a moment, everybody thought they were done for. Well, almost everybody.

"YOU!" Lithy suddenly stepped forward, pointing at the girl. "Either I see you naked in my bed or I don't want to see you at all!"

Belarus opened her mouth, but, looking at the fuming Baltic, she couldn't think of anything to say. Her cheeks turned pink and she disappeared as quickly as she appeared.

* * *

Lithy got himself a snack, then went upstairs to have a nap. As soon as he opened the door of his tiny bedroom, he realized the bed was already taken.

"Hey, alpha male," a female voice breathed seductively.

Belarus was lying on the green sheets, wearing nothing but the signature ribbon, her position beyond suggestive.

Toris's mind got suddenly flooded with all kinds of thoughts and feelings. Strangely, sexual arousal wasn't one of them.

"Belarus," he sighed, still in the doorway. "You might be cute, but considering all the shit you ever put me through... Frankly, I don't care anymore." With that, he swung the door shut, getting back downstairs to have his nap on the couch.

* * *

Natalia entered her room just to see Estonia and Ukraine making out on her bed, naked.

"What the hell?" she almost shouted, glaring at her sister. All she got as a reply were happy giggles.

"The workout down there got us a bit heated up, so we decided to get a room." Eduard smiled apologetically before turning to Katya again.

"But this one's mine!" Belarus raged. "I just got turned on and dumped afterwards. I want to be alone!"

"Or join us," the Baltic suggested playfully. "The more, the merrier."

"Shut up, bastard! You hurt brother. I don't want to see your stupid face anymore!"

"Then I'll do you from behind." He winked.

Natasha raised her index finger as if to put forward an argument, but gradually dropped it again. After that, she just shrugged and closed the door. From the inside.

* * *

Lithy woke up and glanced at his watch. He needed to get going to be on time for the World Conference.

Even though he checked all of the bedrooms, he couldn't find anyone. Finally, he knocked on Belarus's door. Estonia opened, wearing just a pair of boxers, his body covered all over in lipstick stains.

"Wanna finish them off?" He grinned.

Toris peeked into the room and smiled at the giggling girls. Belarus had never looked so meek. Then, he turned to look back at his colleague, serious once more.

"It's time," he said.

"Didn't you say we were stopping any fuck-giving as of today?" Ed raised an eyebrow.

"I did. Nonetheless, someone needs to represent the house. Otherwise, they might suspect something."

"Why don't we send Latvia?"

"He's still down in the cellar, hitting Russia continuously with the pipe, yelling 'Shrink! Shrink! Shrink!'. Trust me, there's no stopping him now," Lithy sighed. "And someone must go."

"Whatever. Do as you like. I'm staying here with the babes," Estonia retorted and slammed the door.

* * *

 _I'm back where I was,_ Lithy inwardly groaned as he suffered through the conference. He was fed up with all those arrogant superpowers trying to dominate each other, yelling and fighting over pretty much everything. His stomach started to ache again.

He sneaked out, aiming for the kitchen to get himself a cup of ginger tea. After a few sips, the brunet relaxed a little bit. He took a look around.

It was almost time for the afternoon break. For a moment, he considered peeing into the large teapot for vengeance. Then, he got a better idea.

* * *

"Here's your order," Netherlands hissed, handing Lithy a brown paper bag.

"Thanks!" Toris beamed and forced a few bills into the other country's fist. "By the way, you might want to take a day off tomorrow."

* * *

On his way back, Toris stopped to pick up some groceries and spent most of the night baking.

* * *

The atmosphere was pretty much the same the day after. Someone suggested that America had been buying weapons from Switzerland, so they were all at each other's throats once again.

Lithy stood up and walked himself to the kitchen again.

"186 teas and two coffees. Here are the sweets." He put down the box he was holding. Then, he got back to the conference room and waited. Before too long, the tea was being served.

"And we even get a treat today!" someone exclaimed, noticing the tiny brownie next to each cup.

 _Yes, enjoy your treats,_ thought Toris as he closed his eyes, dozing off.

* * *

When the Lithuanian woke up again, the mood wasn't the same anymore.

For instance, Hungary was straddling Austria, England making out with France, Poland, Czech Republic and Slovakia fully absorbed in their drinking contest, Luxembourg was having a phone conversation with a banana, Spain playing a serenade to blushing New Zealand, Seychelles dancing topless on the table and teenage Sealand watching her, a look of sheer ecstasy on his face. _Good for him,_ Lithy smiled to himself.

"Hey, bro, thanks for saving me," said America as he finally emerged from the table under which he was hiding.

"It's no problem." Toris winked, handing his friend a cup of coffee while he kept the other one.

They walked out of the building and sat down on a bench. For a while, they said nothing, just bathed in the sunlight, enjoying that peaceful moment.

Lithy turned to look at his friend.

"You know, I think I might be turning into a filthy motherfucker," he sighed.

Alfred chuckled.

"Not at all. You're just becoming someone awesome."


End file.
